crying under st. petersburg streetlights

     imagine living a life, full of loneliness. where the smallest touch.. like a hand brushing your cheek, feels like enough love to fill your entire heart for a lifetime. where falling in love is the loneliest thing you’ll ever do, because the world doesn’t notice the quiet ache inside you. where you're so alone, so unknown, that you aren't important enough to be given a name.

for our white nights narrator, this isn't a dream nor a game nor a book... it's his cruel, pathetic life. 

although our beloved narrator remains nameless, we shall give him a name in this little blog. the longer. 

i must preface this by saying that spoilers will be spoiled.. click off if you will read white nights, and then come back once you've finished, okay~? 

i was upset, truly! i had heard amazing things about white nights from my close friends and even online. everyone was raving on and on about it. how it was a.. love story. for one, i was amazed that dostoyevsky could be capable of even writing a love story. i mean, ive read crime and punishment, where you can feel raskolnikov's fear through the pages of the book and how agonizing he made the underground man. i was skeptical, for sure. russian literature always comes with a surprise. and, i wasn't so far off either.. heh :p

the first few pages of white nights was bearable. usually it takes me a while to cool down and get into a flow state when reading. maybe hegel has fried my brain to the point a book is hard to pick up, but im blessed to choose books that are hard to put down. our longer finds himself in st. petersburg, wandering around... all alone.. "I walked along singing, for when I am happy I am always humming to myself like every happy man who has no friend or acquaintance with whom to share his joy." this quote is one i could align myself with. oh how i wish i could be so free, so mindless, so unaware and comfortable with my own solitude. oh how i wish i could be the longer! alas, i am a streamer and a girl. i am never truly alone. www. 

so, we get it. mr. longer is alone, with no one! why is it a romance? well, i am glad you asked my beloved reader. IT ISNT A ROMANCE!!1 i was LIED to, and quite frankly my heart was broken by nastenka. 

nastenka, our lovely female pro(an)tagonist. only 17 years old, clinging to her blind grandma as if she were gum on the sole of a shoe. lovely nastenka is as pure as they come. mr. longer bumped into nastekna whilst walking through the streets of st. petersburg, only to find nastenka sobbing in the distance. our longer has a heart of gold, but he has no experience with women, so he awkwardly waltz up to her and this is where he should've.. stopped! completely! he wouldn't of missed out on absolutely anything. during that waltz, however, a random man came from nowhere to tormet miss nastenka, so our longer became a white knight (heh) and swooped in to save the young lady from harms way. they end up talking, and talking, for a whopping 4 days. 4 white nights.. 

this is just the beginning my dear reader, and i will not torment you by summarizing the entire book in one blog. but if you needed a refresher, here it was!

my problem with this heartwrenching, horrific, classic "love" story is the fact this holds up to the modern day. nastenka was without a doubt, in love with the rental man. she knew him for how long.. and he even took her and grandma on dates to the theatre to see opera. of course she was heartstuck by him. but for her to vent to mr. longer for four days, was just cruel on her end. our longer showed his love for nastenka, his admiration and his will. not many people keep their word on appearing for four days in the same corridor. nastenka, however, thought it would be amazing to friendzone our longer over and over again! i mean, how cruel is that? 

"Goodness, what a friend you are!" she began gravely a minute later. "God sent you to me. What would have happened to me if you had not been with me now? How disinterested you are! How truly you care for me! When I am married we will be great friends, more than brother and sister; I shall care almost as I do for him...."

does your heart break at the thought of being told this? because, mine is shattered for mr. unknown longer. the girl you have known for 4 days, is capable of saying something so mindlessly cruel. its as if words do not hold meaning for miss. nastenka. 

unfortunately, in my day-to-day life, i see this phenomenon happen far too much. where a girl finds a boy, and the boy falls head over heels, but the girl is stoic, and although not so reserved, she uses him as a toy, as a stress reliefer, as a rebound until she finds her next love. her next love that, is vastly different from the boy. he is just there to lift her spirits up. because she's lovely, and he's in love. but he's a disgusting enabler.. he doesn't realize that he's helping poison her heart with venom. she is becoming eviler as time goes by, and she now expects the same amount of love and reassurance from every boy in existence, and she will fail when she does not get her way. and as for the boy? he will live the rest of his life thinking he must give, give, give to be loved, to be given a single ounce of love. this toxic phenomenon is far too common, and we must stop enabling this destructive behavior. though, when one is in love, just like the boy in our story, we would do anything to be the rebound. because we're full of love, and love is what drives us mad.

so what gives? how are we supposed to love in a healthily manner? well, im glad you asked once more! you're so curious lovely reader. 

we must love mutually. we must stand up for ourselves, and not be pushed into submission by evil behavior. perhaps, give it up once you realize the girl/boy isnt that into you. its alright, and you'll live, i promise. its worse if you let your heart purposefully be broken. i mean, there are so, so many fish in the sea. why not find someone that will mutually love and praise you? you are deserving of the love you give others. you aren't meant to end up like our white nights narrator. 

i believe dostoyevsky wanted to explore vulnerability, and he did it well. but i also think this book could serve as a message to modern men and women. stop putting people above you. it's something most of us do unconsciously, but neither i nor you are above one another, and i know we always crave to be on top, its just what our society has groomed us into. let's respect ourselves, dear reader. lets cure our loneliness's by not depending on others.

"My God, a whole moment of happiness ! Is that too little for the whole of a man's life?"